Relax? How?

If there were 1001 ways to relax and calm yourself down, why can't I get hold of one at the time when I most need it?

It is always long after I feel the tightening clutch in my chest, thoughts of mystical refinement occurs.
And by then, I have crossed time for mental meditation or relaxation per se.
So, why then am I learning 1001 ways to relax?

It hurts the most when you love the most - at least that's how it's been with me so far.
At the flick of fingers, you see people driving you up the wall and intrinsically you can't help but explode.

Often, one line of thought races or clashes with another as if to show they are always competing for a winning spot. But, is this is really necessary? I wonder why....such racing at all happens when there is no possibility of winning or dunking into the finish line for a full stop. This is an indefinite space where things don't stop to a formal completion.

Can someone tell me what really matters in one's life?

I don't seem to get it because, at every stage in one's life there's a new goal that matters in that specific time.
Why must life be in such time-boxed sprints that have a certain goal to be achieved?
Why must there be a result for everything, such as a Success and a Failure?
What observation/inference will positively influence the Failure outcome?
Will Successful outcome be repeated the next time? What if it doesn't?
If I am what I define myself to be, I could merely call my Failure as a chance play to know or explore  more about this specific event called "Failure" or "Negative Outcome".

There are a million questions that hover my head constantly, like those little stars that grazes the dark sky at nights. I am unsure of what I am. Mad? Crazy? Useless Thinker? ...no clue.

Can God possibly help me in resolving this puzzle?

I shall wait!

Life Goes On.... :)

ஷவரம் பண்ணிக்கரதயும் உத்தியோகத்தையும் உட்டுட்டா, ஒண்ணும் வராது நோக்கு. மனச உட்டுட்டா மகா கஷ்டம்! Life goes on...– Bhashyam Iyengar, in Hey! Ram

Staying Alive!

“The harder you desire the farther it seems to grow away from you.” And that exactly is the most superficial and colossal guise life takes to keep you going at endlessly….GENIUS!

You don't have to be a perfectionist all your life....if you are a mediocre planner trying to pull things through on time whenever and wherever, that should let you sail through decently if not exceptionally -- One of the very FEW things that make me believe there’s a bigger brain sitting out there crafting all this in his own sweet pattern! His work is more than the most complex mainframes computer invented on this earth!

And the way he gambles with it is much more challenging and incredibly intriguing than any of those slot machines that is jabbed by frenzied people at the Casinos' world over.

On those awful-bitter days, despondency settles upon you like vestibules of white fog covering your mind as if it’s a dark warm blanket you've been desperately waiting to crawl into, on a cold night. 

In a trice, everything seems doomed to failure, you wonder if you will ever while away the time with your friends again, you wonder if you will ever partake in that alien concept known as a social life. You chafe at the notion of a single rational thought, of the will to just pick up that God forbidden cellphone and call your mother, of the simplicity of dressing nice, of the effortless intricacies involved in just brightening up a little by washing your dull & dreary face, you wonder at your ghastly inability to do the things you used to do and take for granted.

You feel the parasite within you getting stronger as the awful gnawing beast refuses to go away. Suddenly you feel dreadfully alone. But paradoxically, you tremble at the thought of social gatherings and any form of interaction with other human beings, and you start avoiding them like an affliction. You retreat even further into yourself and feel the miasma of loneliness strangle your senses. 

This obnoxious feeling clutches your gut so hard like an effluvia from putrescent organic matter left lying in open for ages en-route to your destination.

You realize that you have created a vicious cycle of avoidance and paralyzing seclusion. You realize that you are fast disappearing, disappearing into a twilight zone of your own creation, with no possible exit looming vaguely in the distance.

It has to come to an end one day. I think you just need to shackle out of it all and calm the beast inside you with a blow so hard that it curls-up in a nook and never dares to come-out again into action. Also, do make sure to seal that savage-nook that influences your weaknesses and lack of rigidness pushing you hard every time into this eternal door of sacrilege.

I am kicking hard with my 80+ kgs of weight to stay alive! :-)

A tree full of screeching monkeys!

The recent visit to RTO (DMV in U.S) for getting a duplicate copy of my driver's license since I had lost my original, made me wonder if I was in the middle of a tree full of angry, screeching monkeys.

Yes, I say so because I spent 3 full hours bandying about the RTO office at least a dozen times from one desk to another and repeating the already visited desks while doing so wondering who would actually get down to helping me for real.

People who worked there looked upset, angry and agitated. The officers were yelling because they were not happy with the documentation or the exact numbered rectangular papers that are a strict mandate  to  sign and approve the forms that sat fat and smug inside an ageing/smelling file.

I didn't want to use the middlemen who were loitering around with a revolting stench of unwashed clothes wrapped around their rancid, stinking, perspiring bodies and grinning with teeth smeared in cigarette or cheap chew-able tobacco tars.They came around once in a while scratching the sides of their heads and asking me "Yenna venum meydam?" (What do you want, Madam?).

Needless to say I was super frustrated and waved them off.

I stood in what appeared to the middle of the bay and clapped 5 times as loud as I can and yelled "Excuse me, Can one of the employees here help me out?"

For a few seconds there was silence and a smile curved at the ends of my lips at my accomplishment ....but it diminished almost immediately as the prattle continued as if nothing at all happened after a brief pause of 2 seconds.

Defeated and Humiliated I wanted to give-up when I heard a voice behind me saying.... "Good try madam, I think you should do it again this time louder and longer. Don't give-up!"

So, I did the same.

Two officers can out of their desk and approached me. One of them said "Hello Lady, this is a Government Office, I don't appreciate fun activities or inspirational speeches here. You need prior permission from our senior official for doing so. It would be nice if you leave this place immediately before I call the guards."

I was appalled and tried to explain that I wasn't attended to for the past so many hours and it was my act of trying to get help. He gave a long lecture on the ethics of workplace and how I should not have disturbed the Government Officials during their busy working hours.

Eventually, after his painfully irrelevant lecture he did pay heed to my request and said that it will be taken care of.

I was also asked to pay more than required without which processing my request will be postponed indefinitely.

I was exhausted when I came out, overloaded with a feeling I couldn't quite place between frustration, anger and helplessness.

I mean, to think of the fact that I was once the woman who slapped a guy across his face when he misbehaved with me in a Public Transport............. I think it's a blatant fact of resigning the courage and accepting hypocrisy as a mark of a typical middle-class-middle-aged-woman-attitude.

Love, Life, Past & Other Things!

I have been extremely rude to this one person I liked so much – Almost all the time that I can remember so far. I hated not once, not twice but in-numerous times that I almost always lost count even in the initial days. Only later to realize how much I loved and liked this person in my life and the very existence of this person in my life somehow, unknowingly changed my entire outlook about things, my perception about things in general – inclusive of very basic ones such as what is right and wrong and how badly can one right thing done in the wrong moment can get everything crash down so instantly while it took years of right things piled up against each other to build it in the first place.

Slowly there was a big personality change in me which happened without my prior consent or choice; it soon became public when the change was noticed by the ones that belonged to my very core and inner circle – precisely my family.

The depression medication is kicking in – I realize this as I see those dark bubbles crossing over my eyes in the darkness and I see a dim-lit bulb in a distant corner looking hazy in the semidarkness that clouds in my eyes (or is it my imagination/illusion?!....I could never get this part of it right… L )

Time check – 1:44 AM the digital alarm clock is blinking on my side table with the stick (“l”) on one of the “4”’s not lit up. Phew…it’s an old clock…I am more than happy with its capability to show the time, if not fully at least in sensible parts – that saves my trip to the hall to check the time in the hanging clock or my phone that I don’t like to carry with me in my bedroom. That would be the last thing I want to do when I go to sleep. Cell phone is a cell phone…people use it only when they are wide awake and not while going to sleep. I don’t set up wake-up alarms in my cell phone. 

For some strange unfathomable reason I don’t like to do anything at all with my cell phone except for making and receiving  calls with very occasional texting… I may have to stress on the word “very” because my count of texting goes somewhat like this…..0,2,1,0,1,1 – that’s the number of text messages I have sent in the last 6 months. All of them to my husband stating that I will be late from work and that he needn't be waiting for me for dinner.

Take a pause here to rewind back to 7-8-9 years ago when my texting speed, count and frequency was at its peak and I remember there were hours spent sending/receiving messages with 2-3 messages in a minute dancing away from my number to the other waiting to be sent (also vice versa to receive) to say the least.

Now, I don’t know what with this hatred towards texting or simply not finding the need of it.

 Speaking of which “I don’t know’s” have become the most sought after answer for every random question thrown at me. There was once a time when I would serious efforts to avoid saying “I don’t know” as much as possible. I was young then…..18-23 yrs old maybe and well there was this spark – to ignite what? I don’t know – well, at least it wasn’t a devil’s workshop. There was always something to be done somewhere somehow and both I and the person I liked so much were working towards it or all of us as a bunch were up to it.

I am not sure how it all went past like a gush of cold and fresh running water….washing away all the time lived…loved…and spent in its truest sense.

The knowing, the eclipse, the discussion, the exchange of ideas, the funny language, the foul language, the f words, the b and s words, the arguments, the long talks, the long walks, the long calls and long distant calls, the clashing of the egos, the notion that was flawless, the highly interesting mundane things, the beautiful trees and lovely trips, the buses, the trains, the flights, the cars, the weddings, the nightmares and the kid……yes, it’s just one for now.

I am not sure if Paul Coelho had the same trouble deciphering the protagonist’s purpose of life  in his “Alchemist” but I sure do have a biggest one of my life time right now.

What do I want from my life?

What do I want from my life?

What do I want to see myself as?

I seek solace in nothing that I do right now except when I strike the keys with sleepy eyes and painful stomach and tiring back on a Wednesday midnight or is it Thursday early morning already.

I miss my teenage. I miss my childhood. I miss all my good friends. I miss my school, college teachers. I miss everything that is nice and happy that has ever happened to me so far in my life.

Miss you all and Love you all!

I am not in need of a time machine nor am I dwelling in the past so please cut the crap!

Yo!

New Mom

Okay. Not so new but relatively new considering my baby just turned 6 months. He is so adorable. I love him. There's definitely nothing in this world that can be so soothing and calming than looking at the blissful little angel's smile and his peaceful sleep. I do not forget to thank god for his generosity to bestow upon me with this precious gift. I have no words to describe how hopeless I would have been without him....

All said....now I just dont understand how naughty this little cute-head can get....he is annoying some times...kicking and yelling to catch my attention....always wanting to be held..cuddled..fed..

Keeps me on the go...allllllllllllllllllllllllways....

Cry-1 = Feed

Cry-2 = Clean the soiled diaper

Cry-3 = Time to sleep

Cry-4 = Feed

Cry-5 = Clean the soiled diaper and Take Bath

Cry-6 = Time to sleep

Cry-7 = Needs to play

Cry-8 = Repeat from Cry-1 till Cry-7

and the cycle goes on and on and on.....

Ummmm......

How many days has it been since I combed my hair? last week? or was it the week before?

How many months has it been since I took sometime looking into my closet to pick/choose something to wear instead of wearing whatever I could grab at one shot?

How long is the diaper bag going to be the only handbag I gonna be lugging around wherever I go?

Am I gonna shed some weight or not?

When was the last time I ate to the brim?

When was the last time I blogged? - this one's even before he was born... :)

Well...Am I complaining here? of course not....these are thoughts that crosses every (new) mother's mind....when they are living somewhere in between ground and excited state of being a first time mother of a baby!

I am glad in all these 6 months my son decided to take a long nap that rewarded me with time for relishing a glass of strawberry milkshake (homemade - I made) and a quick post on my slowly dying blog....

yeaaaaayyyyyyy....I did it....after all these months...I finally managed to do it!!!!

Okay so a little of me still alive...but kicking feebly maybe......But I am damn sure it'll gain momentum soon and things will be back to form before I knew it....

Tata....Cheers and God Bless!

Hard Bounce

Strange is the way of life!

Just when you don't want the most bothersome thing to happen in your life... "Bang" it lands with that sinister laugh and admonishing looks and threatening voice...
Just when you are seeking that peace in your life..comes something out of the way to curb your priced possession.

I realize after the new found enthusiasm and thrill wares off with time, it's again bouncing back to an infinite phase of boredom and sluggishness.

Being on the go or not being on the go, having an exciting job or not having one, being pregnant or not being pregnant, being so expectant or not being so expectant isn't really contributing anything more to this alluring and evasive maniac in disguise.

I haven't been able to figure out the real reason behind being depressed. It just happens. And it just doesn't leave you alone. The only possible time when you are out of it is the time it takes for a ping-pong ball to hit the ground and bounce back to your hand... In that short window you probably cannot have explored much of the outside world, and even if you did it just takes as much time for you to grow out of its taste and return to where you started...all over again!

It gets inexplicable at times and insanity prevails...

I try hard to remain calm, but fail at the same point every time ....most inadvertently.

Extremities

Alternating between two extreme personalities has been the toughest competition to break through by far – at least for me!

It’s funny how these personalities know exactly when to swap roles with the other, on the right time at the right place. Now, I may or may not sound politically right here, but then who cares…since when sounding politically/logically/technically right had been an entry pass to the land of wicked weirdos?
It’s true that some mornings I wake to the noise of the water rushing through the small gulley pouring itself into the fresh 6X3 pit filling it slowly in the process, also taking with it the mushy mud that’s sliding from its sides...and then when I look up I see the sun shining happily at my face through the leaves of the apple tree under which the pit is formed. After days of retrospection I for nuts could never understand what it meant…it’s kind of one of those not so constant but a semi-recurring dream or nightmare that I have, in the end only to confuse me more about its possibly delirious insight or an emotional overwhelming message that has to be read between the lines [or the pit, the sunshine and the leaves of apple tree.] its like a cross word puzzle that can fit in more than one right answer both ways [Across and Up-down].
And on the other days I wake-up so happily with the sweetness of a lovely dream where I see myself totally pregnant with my little girl talking to me with her jabs and kicks from inside her womb and making me look no less than an oversized lawnmower trying to take one step at a time with a really unruly lawn to work on with my day-day activities! I glow. I shine. I spread the cheer with that bright and radiant, healthy beaming face of mine. Strangers ask about my due date. Folks at the mall check my well being. Dudes and Dudettes at the billing counter ask me if I need a hand in taking my bags to my car or if I needed some water or a drink. I feel like a divine being hopped in for a vacation on planet earth. Isn’t that a complete bliss? A wonderful feeling.
And then the next day, the swap-a-sode occurs. I mean, I get the other grossly confusing nightmare.
The obnoxious monster rearing its ugly head and venomous fangs is all set to strike at any moment, the preparedness and readiness of this marauder shackles the last nerve left in me to stand-up and fight.
Suddenly, a wave of blinding mist and fog blanks out everything and an unexpected lull falls beneath the mist upon my waiting eyes.
I rise and shine and glow…..Over to my little angel now.