Life Goes On.... :)

ஷவரம் பண்ணிக்கரதயும் உத்தியோகத்தையும் உட்டுட்டா, ஒண்ணும் வராது நோக்கு. மனச உட்டுட்டா மகா கஷ்டம்! Life goes on...– Bhashyam Iyengar, in Hey! Ram

Staying Alive!

“The harder you desire the farther it seems to grow away from you.” And that exactly is the most superficial and colossal guise life takes to keep you going at endlessly….GENIUS!

You don't have to be a perfectionist all your life....if you are a mediocre planner trying to pull things through on time whenever and wherever, that should let you sail through decently if not exceptionally -- One of the very FEW things that make me believe there’s a bigger brain sitting out there crafting all this in his own sweet pattern! His work is more than the most complex mainframes computer invented on this earth!

And the way he gambles with it is much more challenging and incredibly intriguing than any of those slot machines that is jabbed by frenzied people at the Casinos' world over.

On those awful-bitter days, despondency settles upon you like vestibules of white fog covering your mind as if it’s a dark warm blanket you've been desperately waiting to crawl into, on a cold night. 

In a trice, everything seems doomed to failure, you wonder if you will ever while away the time with your friends again, you wonder if you will ever partake in that alien concept known as a social life. You chafe at the notion of a single rational thought, of the will to just pick up that God forbidden cellphone and call your mother, of the simplicity of dressing nice, of the effortless intricacies involved in just brightening up a little by washing your dull & dreary face, you wonder at your ghastly inability to do the things you used to do and take for granted.

You feel the parasite within you getting stronger as the awful gnawing beast refuses to go away. Suddenly you feel dreadfully alone. But paradoxically, you tremble at the thought of social gatherings and any form of interaction with other human beings, and you start avoiding them like an affliction. You retreat even further into yourself and feel the miasma of loneliness strangle your senses. 

This obnoxious feeling clutches your gut so hard like an effluvia from putrescent organic matter left lying in open for ages en-route to your destination.

You realize that you have created a vicious cycle of avoidance and paralyzing seclusion. You realize that you are fast disappearing, disappearing into a twilight zone of your own creation, with no possible exit looming vaguely in the distance.

It has to come to an end one day. I think you just need to shackle out of it all and calm the beast inside you with a blow so hard that it curls-up in a nook and never dares to come-out again into action. Also, do make sure to seal that savage-nook that influences your weaknesses and lack of rigidness pushing you hard every time into this eternal door of sacrilege.

I am kicking hard with my 80+ kgs of weight to stay alive! :-)

A Tree Full of Screeching Monkeys!

The recent visit to the RTO (DMV in the U.S.) to get a duplicate copy of my driver's license, after losing the original, made me wonder if I had somehow found myself in the middle of a tree full of angry, screeching monkeys.

Yes, I say so because I spent three full hours wandering around the RTO office, being sent from one desk to another, only to be directed back to desks I had already visited. At some point, I started wondering if anyone was actually going to help me for real.

The people who worked there looked upset, angry, and perpetually agitated. Officers were yelling because someone didn't have the right documentation or the exact rectangular slip of paper that was apparently a sacred requirement for signing and approving forms that sat fat and smug inside an ageing, foul-smelling file.

I refused to use the middlemen loitering around the premises. They carried with them a revolting stench of unwashed clothes and stale sweat, grinning through teeth stained with cigarette tar and cheap chewing tobacco. Every now and then one of them would wander over, scratching the side of his head and asking,

"Yenna venum meydam?"
(What do you want, Madam?)

Needless to say, I was beyond frustrated and waved them away.

Eventually, I found myself standing in what appeared to be the middle of the hall. Out of desperation, I clapped five times as loudly as I could and shouted,

"Excuse me! Can one of the employees here help me out?"

For a brief moment, there was complete silence.

A smile crept onto my face at my accomplishment...

...but it vanished almost immediately as the noise resumed and everyone carried on exactly as before after a grand pause of approximately two seconds.

Defeated and humiliated, I was just about ready to give up when I heard a voice behind me.

"Good try, Madam. I think you should do it again... this time louder and longer. Don't give up!"

So I did.

Two officers emerged from behind their desks and approached me. One of them said,

"Hello, Lady. This is a Government Office. I don't appreciate fun activities or inspirational speeches here. You need prior permission from our senior official for doing so. It would be nice if you leave this place immediately before I call the guards."

I was appalled.

I tried explaining that I had been waiting for hours without assistance and that my little performance was simply an attempt to get somebody's attention. In response, I received a lengthy lecture on workplace ethics and why Government Officials should not be disturbed during their busy working hours.

Eventually, after his painfully irrelevant sermon, he did acknowledge my request and informed me that it would be taken care of.

I was also subtly informed that paying more than the required amount would greatly improve the chances of my application being processed in this lifetime. Otherwise, it could be postponed indefinitely.

By the time I walked out, I was exhausted.

I was carrying around a strange feeling that seemed to sit somewhere between frustration, anger, helplessness... and resignation.

To think that I was once the woman who slapped a guy across the face for misbehaving with me on public transport...

...and here I was, quietly tolerating things I knew were wrong because arguing any further felt pointless.

I suppose that's how it happens.

Not all at once.

Just little pieces of courage surrendered here and there, until one day you find yourself accepting hypocrisy as an unavoidable part of life...

...the unmistakable badge of a typical middle-class, middle-aged woman.