I have been extremely rude to this one person I liked so much – Almost all the time that I can remember so far. I hated not once, not twice but in-numerous times that I almost always lost count even in the initial days. Only later to realize how much I loved and liked this person in my life and the very existence of this person in my life somehow, unknowingly changed my entire outlook about things, my perception about things in general – inclusive of very basic ones such as what is right and wrong and how badly can one right thing done in the wrong moment can get everything crash down so instantly while it took years of right things piled up against each other to build it in the first place.
Slowly there was a big personality change in me which happened without my prior consent or choice; it soon became public when the change was noticed by the ones that belonged to my very core and inner circle – precisely my family.
The depression medication is kicking in – I realize this as I see those dark bubbles crossing over my eyes in the darkness and I see a dim-lit bulb in a distant corner looking hazy in the semidarkness that clouds in my eyes (or is it my imagination/illusion?!....I could never get this part of it right… L )
Time check – 1:44 AM the digital alarm clock is blinking on my side table with the stick (“l”) on one of the “4”’s not lit up. Phew…it’s an old clock…I am more than happy with its capability to show the time, if not fully at least in sensible parts – that saves my trip to the hall to check the time in the hanging clock or my phone that I don’t like to carry with me in my bedroom. That would be the last thing I want to do when I go to sleep. Cell phone is a cell phone…people use it only when they are wide awake and not while going to sleep. I don’t set up wake-up alarms in my cell phone.
For some strange unfathomable reason I don’t like to do anything at all with my cell phone except for making and receiving calls with very occasional texting… I may have to stress on the word “very” because my count of texting goes somewhat like this…..0,2,1,0,1,1 – that’s the number of text messages I have sent in the last 6 months. All of them to my husband stating that I will be late from work and that he needn't be waiting for me for dinner.
Take a pause here to rewind back to 7-8-9 years ago when my texting speed, count and frequency was at its peak and I remember there were hours spent sending/receiving messages with 2-3 messages in a minute dancing away from my number to the other waiting to be sent (also vice versa to receive) to say the least.
Now, I don’t know what with this hatred towards texting or simply not finding the need of it.
Speaking of which “I don’t know’s” have become the most sought after answer for every random question thrown at me. There was once a time when I would serious efforts to avoid saying “I don’t know” as much as possible. I was young then…..18-23 yrs old maybe and well there was this spark – to ignite what? I don’t know – well, at least it wasn’t a devil’s workshop. There was always something to be done somewhere somehow and both I and the person I liked so much were working towards it or all of us as a bunch were up to it.
I am not sure how it all went past like a gush of cold and fresh running water….washing away all the time lived…loved…and spent in its truest sense.
The knowing, the eclipse, the discussion, the exchange of ideas, the funny language, the foul language, the f words, the b and s words, the arguments, the long talks, the long walks, the long calls and long distant calls, the clashing of the egos, the notion that was flawless, the highly interesting mundane things, the beautiful trees and lovely trips, the buses, the trains, the flights, the cars, the weddings, the nightmares and the kid……yes, it’s just one for now.
I am not sure if Paul Coelho had the same trouble deciphering the protagonist’s purpose of life in his “Alchemist” but I sure do have a biggest one of my life time right now.
What do I want from my life?
What do I want from my life?
What do I want to see myself as?
I seek solace in nothing that I do right now except when I strike the keys with sleepy eyes and painful stomach and tiring back on a Wednesday midnight or is it Thursday early morning already.
I miss my teenage. I miss my childhood. I miss all my good friends. I miss my school, college teachers. I miss everything that is nice and happy that has ever happened to me so far in my life.
Miss you all and Love you all!
I am not in need of a time machine nor am I dwelling in the past so please cut the crap!