Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Demon in You

When you start thinking more about what your needs are in life… it is true that you really go blank in finding the answer to that most important question of your life…
I am sure there would be a hell lot of people who would voice my opinion on this although I am not even a wee bit sure as to whether there would really be one who would actually be able to accept it - Being a classical hypocrite one wouldn’t want to do so.
Well, exceptional cases are a rarity to be found on a normal state of affairs.
I call it the Disaster-of-the-Demon in you………

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere but that they are as confused as you.Hmmmm…true! Confused is what they are – how to shoo-away the fiend inside your head? Most of all you look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, cos you are doing one of the shittiest performances at it not deliberately but cos of your mood-swings or cos you have a frame of mind-set and you wouldn’t want to budge no-matter-what or maybe you are looking for a change of job and realize that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you, so you just want to give-up on everything and curl-up under your bedcovers and lay there forever without any disturbance!At times you feel your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life sometimes with a fear that maybe you wouldn’t be gaining the same force & strength the next time you try!
So much for being a certified paranoid mastering the world of obsessive fright – but this time round I would dare say such is not life! – Damn you – This isn’t at all can make up to one’s life – If life is what one chooses to call his being in this universe as……Sometimes, you feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better or get that someone know you better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.so you make a promise to yourself that you wouldn’t hurt yourself or the your loved one either! But invariably you find yourself breaking the same promise everyday N number of times that frustrate you and add more to your insanity and you plead temporary insanity at the least. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.


You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out....
God No ---- I dont - never want this anytime in life again - not after going through all this...A run-down on life lately such as above is pure insanity - at its full blast & perfect blend.....

3 comments:

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ColdFire said...

hey, one great post about life. agree with you that life is confusing as hell sometimes but i am not going to stop living just because i can't find all the answers to sort all these out. anyway, lets post more about life! lets have a life-marathon-post :p

Saloni Ramachandiran said...

@coldfire: Thanks!